Why Am I Always To Blame, Why is it Always My Fault

Always To Blame, Always My Fault

A case study on the negative person who makes you feel like you’re always to blame and it’s always your fault

by Catherine Pratt

For this case study on negative people, let’s talk about the negative person who makes you feel like you’re always to blame, it’s always your fault and nothing you do is ever right!

Most likely after many of your encounters with this person, you end up feeling guilty, upset, emotionally drained and confused. You may even feel like you’re completely useless or incompetent.

The most difficult times to deal with this type of negative person is when they’re in the role of your boss, your parent, or your significant other.

This type of person isn’t always easy to identify at first. For ease of reading this article, I’m going to use “he” throughout but a blamer can be male or female. The blamer can be very charming and likeable yet also have this darker side. When you’re dealing with the darker side, it will feel like the rug is always being pulled out from under you and nothing you do is ever right, or you get blamed for his mistakes or his deceptions. Trying to be rational with him doesn’t work. Trying to get him to see how hurt you feel by what he’s doing doesn’t work. In fact, these two tactics will make it much, much worse.

So, what should we call this particular type of negative person? I tend to call them blamers because they always blame someone else for anything and everything. They are never the one at fault. This is one of the main clues to identifying this type of personality. They always blame everyone else but themselves when things go wrong.

They are extreme blamers though in that this blaming aspect is a main part of their personality. They’re not someone who just occasionally blames others when they get frustrated.

You’ll sometimes hear what I call “blamers” also being referred to as “narcissists” by psychologists. When I first heard this description of them, I didn’t associate it with the type of personality I was constantly encountering. I thought of narcissists as meaning people who are basically in love with themselves, only talk about themselves, and don’t care about anyone else. But, this is only one very specific type of narcissist. There are many different layers and levels to narcissists and you’ll find that they can come across as very caring towards others in certain situations, seem charming and interested in you when you first meet, talk about other people and just do not seem to match the most well known description of a narcissist. They can come across as truly nice people in the beginning, and it’s not until later that you suddenly realize you feel like you’re trapped in a nightmare and also that you’re now very much involved even though you may not want to be.

Whether they’re called blamers or narcissists, I think this is one of the most destructive types of negative people you can ever deal with. They can have an extremely negative effect on your thinking and your own behavior. They can actually cause such intense anguish and distress, it will last a lifetime until you gain the awareness that it wasn’t you, it was the situation that you were (or are currently) in.

If you’ve been a victim of this type of negative person, you may feel like there is something wrong with you and that if only you were better, or smarter, or nicer, or more competent at your job, or just did the right things for once then the situation would be better between you and the negative person. You end up feeling like it’s all your fault which can end up causing depression, self loathing, or other self destructive tendencies.

It’s a very different reaction from the view point of the narcissist (or blamer), as he really doesn’t see anything wrong with what he does. The fact that you the victim are so upset or feel terrible about things, is simply due to his believing you’re wrong and he’s right. He also thinks it’s his duty or that he’s “helping” by putting others down, telling them what they’re doing wrong, or blaming them for things. He often doesn’t respect other people’s boundaries (walks in without knocking, borrows your stuff, takes credit for your work). In his eyes, he can do no wrong. He also likes to be admired or envied.

Defending yourself from this type of person will only make the situation much worse and you’ll end up being attacked even more. If you point out how you’re innocent and didn’t do anything wrong or that he’s really to blame then an explosion of anger will most likely occur. Then the tables will be quickly turned on you and the blamer will make it appear that everything is entirely your fault. He’s innocent and you’re the evil one.

You’ll also find that he expects you to do things “exactly” as he would do it. This is because he doesn’t see you as a separate person. You are a reflection on him. Nothing you do is ever right though and he’ll constantly criticize you and belittle you. Micromanaging is something he loves to do as well.

A clue that you’re dealing with this type of personality is that he tends to show different sides of his behavior to different people. For example, one child may be treated differently than the others. In the situation of a blamer boss, he’ll be very nice to his superiors or certain colleagues yet absolute “HELL” to work for. He can also be very hot and cold in his relationships in that one moment everything is fine and then the next he’s intensely angry at you. This is one of the reasons it can cause such mental distress for the victim. Other people don’t understand what it’s like because they can’t always see what’s really going on. The blamer will be highly admired by some as they never see this dark side of his behavior.

On the flip side, he’s very sensitive to any perceived criticism from others and may even start to attack or say he’s been deeply hurt even when no true criticism has been said.

With some blamers, they are deceptive and manipulative all the time. Their philosophy tends to be “attack others before they attack me” which means that if they’ve made a mistake they tend to blame others or start to attack others before they can be caught. Often, they see nothing wrong with lying and will lie even if there’s no need to. Another interesting characteristic they tend to have is that they tend to project any of their own wrong doings on to someone else.

http://www.life-with-confidence.com/always-to-blame.html 

43 thoughts on “Why Am I Always To Blame, Why is it Always My Fault

  1. This article has helped me to understand that I am not the one to blame in the situation I am currently experiencing.
    The man in question is my step uncle who hates independence in women and will only show anger and authority when he has had alcohol. He has insulted me twice on two seperate occassions, comparing me to his step daughter, my response has always been in anger. No one believes me when I say” it’s his fault, hes to blame” i now have a rocky relationship with my cousins and I feel no one wants to know me

  2. I have been in a relationship with what you referr to as a “blamer” for over 2 years. After much research, I believe he has borderline personality disorder. He has manipulated, lied and deceived me so much that I am now being treated for depression and anxiety and in the worst shape of my life. This relationship began only months after my 24 year marriage ended, so I was very vulnerable. I’m wondering if he is aware of how much damage he’s done. I mean, is he doing it on purpose. and I’m also wondering how to leave him and if the damage could be permanent

    1. Nobody should be under such stress. Walking away from that toxic person is the answer but I know it is not as easy as that! Does this person really merit your company, your adoration or love if he is hurting you? You deserve better and you should realise that you are strong and a person who has values and respect for yourself is the first and foremost action that you should undertake. Respect for your life means getting rid of the rubbish, walking away from toxic things in your life. Being strong is not easy but not impossible.

  3. thankyou, this as helped me , and in know its not me at work ,this woman makes my life hell and everyone believes her apart from a few people she cums across so sweet yet when no ones looking she does spiteful things to me, I cry everyday at work

  4. “takes credit for your work..” “the tables will be quickly turned on you and the blamer will make it appear that everything is entirely your fault. He’s innocent and you’re the evil one.” Exactly what I am experiencing this few months. As a team every failed missions he would quickly point to me so that everyone thinks that he’s innocent, exactly. All I could do is say nothing. Lol.

  5. i got empty heart im all stressed out of the painful this is not me anymore this is my life the words are hurting me
    is killing me inside im mersable i got life nobody cares they are not around me treating me all wrong i doint like this
    is mean and bulling me im running away and crying

  6. I’m in a 4 yr long relationship inwihc when things go badly and they do often due to the distance we are working from( shes in Calif and I’m in WA). When ever we have an arguement which will go to an all out verbal fight, I’m always told by her that its always her fault and I see that shes attemting tomake me feel guilty. I am NOT perfect but I will not allow someone to run over the top of me and then exclaim that its her fault. Which, of course leaves me feeling like > I < am the bad guy. I'm not a siat, but I'm no full on sinner either….suggestions? I'm about to end this whole thing and NOT get married to someone who constantly plays this blame game.

  7. Even today, over some small item, it’s gone from a mild disagreement to a full on verbal war. And I am NOT perfect. But I will not allow anyone to insert some words into my mouth and then try to lay claim that its my fault and its always my fault or made to feel like it is my fault when she rants that its her fault and its always her fault. I know a game when I see one and this is about THE ast item I am willing to work on with this person. Shes been told more times than I have fingers, I dont buy into your faith and wont and I do not down grade you for your faith so why FORCE it down my thorat when it doesn’t work for me.? And then the fight is on. And I mean we’re dropping 20 mega ton city killer nukes on each other left and right.

  8. Thank you very much, my boyfriend is a blamer, he tells me that 98% of the time when we have a fight it’s always my fault, once I wanted to do something nice for him and I did his dishes and he send me a text later that I didn’t do this out of love but I was being passive aggressive and obstinate because I continued even after he said I should not wash his dishes. That is just one example. He is a counselor and tells me I have a dark twin. Nobody has ever said that to me before.
    In fact my friends and family tell me I’m too nice and I’m a very happy person. I have a wonderful relationship with my children and my former husband and his girlfriend.
    They all feel that he is being abusive and trying to control me.
    I left him but it’s very hard.

    1. Well done for being strong. There are a lot of nice people looking for a loving, caring kind person like yourself. Open your eyes and stay away from the rotten apples. You will find love.

    2. You must have the courage to leave behind those people who are not nice and not worthy of your love. Nobody should be mistreated – not physically nor mentally. Be strong and look for a nice man – there are plenty out there.

    1. Coping with a blamer means confrontation and seeking out the problem – puncturing the wound. generally a blamer is a very weak person who has issues that you as the receiver of blame cannot deal with. Ridding yourself of the problem is the answer not fixing the unfixable. Personality traits are generally fixed in stone after a certain age and the shock of losing someone could awaken the realisation of bad behaviour, could change things…unlikely though…a leopard cannot change its spots. Why do we so desperately cling on to bad relationships when the world is full of lovely people desperate to have a nice and loving relationship.

  9. This is exactly what is going on in my marriage. It is really discouraging to me. I can wake up feeling so happy and by the end of the day I feel depressed, miserable and guilty when in the long run I did nothing wrong. I just defended myself and my children. I feel so distraught\scared at the thought of leaving my husband even though I know he is not good for me and my children. Im not sure what to do. :(

    1. You have to realise that sometimes you are better off without the bad thing that drags you down. There are two choices – talk to him and get the problems out into the open or walk away from the toxicity. Neither choice is easy if you are not strong. Victims are just that victims and they tend to walk from one problem to another … many people leave one abusive relationship and walk into another like a moth to the flame. Be strong, decide for happiness and make changes otherwise you will never have a smile on your face and enjoy the beauty of your children or give them the loving future they deserve.

      1. is there no way to help the situation. I’m 10 years in with an eight yr old. I love him and want this to work but I feel like I’m at my breaking point. My child told me last night that daddy doesn’t love me as much as I love him . I’m very heartbroken.

  10. I know all to well this. My youngest son’s mom was shot by her husband last year. I moved in to help her for she is my son’s mom to be there for my son and help her. So I sold everything I had to support them. Now I am the only one with a job and she says that she can’t get a job for her food she smokes 2 to 3 packs a day or her criminal history she has a misdemeanor and we are not trying to work it out we are not together in any way. I work Mon thru Fri 10 plus hours a day and I am not allowed to get my eye exam and new glasses I have none now. And I must buy her everything for her. But it is my fault my son acts up only when I come home and the dogs act up when I come in. Not to mention that she is miserable because of me and can do no right everything I do is stupid and I am a quoted so she says. I use to be a EMT advance life support was so for 5 years and couldn’t do it after working my own dad for an hour to no avail. I then became a firefighter and eventually an instructor and had an accident at my regular job and tore my bicep off of my left arm and stepped down and never went back to it. So it all is my fault and I can do no right so I am the irresponsible one and need to work more. So I get off work and dread coming home and vomit repeatedly all I hear is screaming and fussing and cussing orders barked hatred spit towards me. Oh by the way she is a Christian and I am evil. Interesting isn’t it. Sometimes I can see why people commit suicide. But if god is having me go through this then he must really have something big in store for me. Chin up to all and with God’s grace we will get through these trying times.

    1. Sorry she has COPD not food. And she says I am a quiter not quoted lol so sorry not used to auto correct function.

    2. Its not Gods grace but self assertiveness that should see you through life. You are in charge of your own destiny and can be happy, peaceful and contented if you get rid of the things that drag you down.

  11. I wonder if I am the blamer, or my spouse. He is always blaming me and saying I’m at fault and that I am constantly blaming him. I feel like Im crazy. At times I feel like he has a point and others I feel that I have a right to feel the way I do.

  12. I found this site after being yelled at this morning because I didn’t wake up fast enough to have sex with him before he had to go to work. He wants it like in the movies “what’s wrong with movies?” He asked (after I told him that he wanted to live like the movies)

    I can never do anything right. I even question if it was a mistake that I survived my accident when I was younger. God had me live for THIS????? Am I being punished? Is this life to make me PAY for something I did in the last one? I don’t know how much more I can take!
    This has helped me believe that maybe he is a MPD or BP, whatever he has, it’s draining me.
    The cops even told me and my daughter “talking to him is like talking to the wall” I’m constantly being compared to other women. In an effort to “teach me and make me learn”
    Between the yelling, screaming, gas-lighting, tantrums where things get broken, threats and being told that I need meds for depression and menopause, that “menopause” (I’m past 30 so I MUST being going through it) has been making HIS life hell for the past 2 years and I need to see a psychiatrist, I’m a basket case and he wonders why!!

    1. There are a lot of nice people in the world who would love to have a normal relationship, who are kind and loving but not given the chance because they are possibly too nice, geeky, ugly, shy, etc. Nobody should be in a relationship where the other person is horrible, nasty and yelling! Find yourself aa nice person, friend and take comfort in their kindness. Don’t wallow in misery, do something about it and be strong. Make changes. You only have one life!

    2. nobody deserves to be yelled at. Be strong and tell him to F*** himself. Smile, live life and look around you at the beauty of nature – animals don’t bicker at each other then get about living and loving.

  13. Thanks. I see that I am a victim, even though, I have not been submissive, because I know that if I can apologize, and fault my self, some of the times, then I know that I am only human; However someone that seems to have extreme pride, is unaware that their only human also!

  14. I get blamed all the time and it causes me to drink. She never takes the time to sit down and try to think what pushed me to it. I have PTSD issues from my combat tours and have been to the psych ward. She caused that because she wanted to argue with me about something that was not done to her satisfaction. This was right after I told her my friend got killed in Afghanistan. Now I am the one who does all the laundry in the house for the whole family. This includes my mother-in-law and stepson who can do no wrong. So this time I was wrong for standing up for myself. I was wrong in asking for a little consideration and at least someone asking if I needed help. They always want something from me, but never want to offer. So now I am the evil one. I am wondering how I got here. I am tired of her playing the victim and me being the monster. A marriage takes work, but now she is the one walking around like she did nothing wrong. She found that one of the shirts was still wet and found it important to bring to my attention instead of just taking care of it. When I laid dieing in afghanistan i never thought that I was allowed to live just to be a servant instead of a husband

    1. Dear Nino, You have faced battle and have been under severe stress in a war zone. You learn to outflank, outmaneuver and outwit your opponents and are trained for combat. Here I read a person (you) who has kinda given up on who he is and is allowing another person to dictate and dominate and you capitulate…you have given up on yourself. Would you do that as a soldier? I don’t think so. Heading to drink is no answer and you know that. You have 1 life which was given back to you after your combat duty so you need to make the most of it. Hold your head up, look around you as there are many places, many people and many great things you could be doing instead of being downtrodden. Stand up strong and move your life forward – You only have one chance, so make the most of it, not the worst.

  15. Damn feels. :'(

    As a junior lawyer in my first year in legal practice, I am well aware that I have a lot to learn from my experienced senior lawyers and clerks in my company. Unfortunately they take it as an advantage and tend to yell at me over every trivial issues, including their own mistakes. When I finally brought the issue to my boss’ attention, he told me that all of them are under “tremendous stress” and I should just shut up, stop complaining and do my own work.

    At first I tried to yell back and defend myself, and yes, like you mentioned in your article, it makes everything worse.

    “Why me?” This is a question I’ve been asking myself ever since I joined the company. Just like everybody else, I’m dealing with everything within my job scope properly, but why am I the only one getting blamed and yelled at all the time?

    This is my 10th month in the company and I realize that I’ve lost all my confidence in myself – I don’t even dare to make a call without consulting my seniors! Feeling completely useless and lost. I’ve lost count of how many times I want to leave the company, yet I’m still here working for them because I no longer have the courage and confidence to apply for a new job.

    Day 310, still struggling.

    1. You have to look at this in real terms and stop thinking it’s all about you. It’s about stressed human beings who take out there frustration on somebody lower down the chain. I am sure they don’t yell at their bosses but their bosses may yell at them…You do not need to work in a toxic environment. If you cannot fix it, the only way, I’m afraid, is to look for work elsewhere. It’s that simple. You are not beholding to your job. Stand up, be strong and move on.

      1. Just went through another horrible day and I’m glad to read your heartfelt advice. :’)

        Thank you so much. I will stay strong and move on.

      2. You have to believe in yourself, your values and your abilities. You are, deep down, the creator of your own destiny…make your life happy and leave these people in their misery – leave them in your wake…nautically speaking! You know you can!

  16. My husband is so charming and sincere towards everyone. Sometimes overly nice. We have been together for 7 years, married for almost a year. I can’t believe how things have changed and what has developed. I’m walking on egg shells all the time and I’m consistently nice about everything. I’m always apologizing for silly things but he’s extremely angry with me all the time. I’m starting to feel like I’m some kind of retarded woman that never learned to do anything. He’s always calling me an idiot and saying such hurtful things. He stopped have conversations with me like an adult and just tells at me. There’s no reasoning with him or telling him he’s wrong either. It makes it a million times worse if I just don’t apologize right away. But that doesn’t even help. I have no idea how he survives being so negative all the time. I’m so happy with everything and if I’m not happy I change whatever it is. I do so much house/yard work and I’m always being told I never do anything and he does everything. I’m to the point where I’m emotionally beat up. I’m starting to think I’m just a naive piece of crap and did not see this coming.

    1. This is sad to hear and typifies how people who once loved a person enough to commit to them suddenly turns horrible! My suggestion is radical and probably not on your agenda…but you should not accept his abuse and stand up for yourself. You know you havé done nothing Strong because you havé been able to express that in your writing! Be Strong and Tell him no more abuse … Where has the love gone? … Ask him why he is so angry…maybe there is no love anymore and only frustration that turns to anger…it’s tough to face up to but you must for your own sanity.

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