Always To Blame, Always My Fault
A case study on the negative person who makes you feel like you’re always to blame and it’s always your fault
by Catherine Pratt
For this case study on negative people, let’s talk about the negative person who makes you feel like you’re always to blame, it’s always your fault and nothing you do is ever right!
Most likely after many of your encounters with this person, you end up feeling guilty, upset, emotionally drained and confused. You may even feel like you’re completely useless or incompetent.
The most difficult times to deal with this type of negative person is when they’re in the role of your boss, your parent, or your significant other.
This type of person isn’t always easy to identify at first. For ease of reading this article, I’m going to use “he” throughout but a blamer can be male or female. The blamer can be very charming and likeable yet also have this darker side. When you’re dealing with the darker side, it will feel like the rug is always being pulled out from under you and nothing you do is ever right, or you get blamed for his mistakes or his deceptions. Trying to be rational with him doesn’t work. Trying to get him to see how hurt you feel by what he’s doing doesn’t work. In fact, these two tactics will make it much, much worse.
So, what should we call this particular type of negative person? I tend to call them blamers because they always blame someone else for anything and everything. They are never the one at fault. This is one of the main clues to identifying this type of personality. They always blame everyone else but themselves when things go wrong.
They are extreme blamers though in that this blaming aspect is a main part of their personality. They’re not someone who just occasionally blames others when they get frustrated.
You’ll sometimes hear what I call “blamers” also being referred to as “narcissists” by psychologists. When I first heard this description of them, I didn’t associate it with the type of personality I was constantly encountering. I thought of narcissists as meaning people who are basically in love with themselves, only talk about themselves, and don’t care about anyone else. But, this is only one very specific type of narcissist. There are many different layers and levels to narcissists and you’ll find that they can come across as very caring towards others in certain situations, seem charming and interested in you when you first meet, talk about other people and just do not seem to match the most well known description of a narcissist. They can come across as truly nice people in the beginning, and it’s not until later that you suddenly realize you feel like you’re trapped in a nightmare and also that you’re now very much involved even though you may not want to be.
Whether they’re called blamers or narcissists, I think this is one of the most destructive types of negative people you can ever deal with. They can have an extremely negative effect on your thinking and your own behavior. They can actually cause such intense anguish and distress, it will last a lifetime until you gain the awareness that it wasn’t you, it was the situation that you were (or are currently) in.
If you’ve been a victim of this type of negative person, you may feel like there is something wrong with you and that if only you were better, or smarter, or nicer, or more competent at your job, or just did the right things for once then the situation would be better between you and the negative person. You end up feeling like it’s all your fault which can end up causing depression, self loathing, or other self destructive tendencies.
It’s a very different reaction from the view point of the narcissist (or blamer), as he really doesn’t see anything wrong with what he does. The fact that you the victim are so upset or feel terrible about things, is simply due to his believing you’re wrong and he’s right. He also thinks it’s his duty or that he’s “helping” by putting others down, telling them what they’re doing wrong, or blaming them for things. He often doesn’t respect other people’s boundaries (walks in without knocking, borrows your stuff, takes credit for your work). In his eyes, he can do no wrong. He also likes to be admired or envied.
Defending yourself from this type of person will only make the situation much worse and you’ll end up being attacked even more. If you point out how you’re innocent and didn’t do anything wrong or that he’s really to blame then an explosion of anger will most likely occur. Then the tables will be quickly turned on you and the blamer will make it appear that everything is entirely your fault. He’s innocent and you’re the evil one.
You’ll also find that he expects you to do things “exactly” as he would do it. This is because he doesn’t see you as a separate person. You are a reflection on him. Nothing you do is ever right though and he’ll constantly criticize you and belittle you. Micromanaging is something he loves to do as well.
A clue that you’re dealing with this type of personality is that he tends to show different sides of his behavior to different people. For example, one child may be treated differently than the others. In the situation of a blamer boss, he’ll be very nice to his superiors or certain colleagues yet absolute “HELL” to work for. He can also be very hot and cold in his relationships in that one moment everything is fine and then the next he’s intensely angry at you. This is one of the reasons it can cause such mental distress for the victim. Other people don’t understand what it’s like because they can’t always see what’s really going on. The blamer will be highly admired by some as they never see this dark side of his behavior.
On the flip side, he’s very sensitive to any perceived criticism from others and may even start to attack or say he’s been deeply hurt even when no true criticism has been said.
With some blamers, they are deceptive and manipulative all the time. Their philosophy tends to be “attack others before they attack me” which means that if they’ve made a mistake they tend to blame others or start to attack others before they can be caught. Often, they see nothing wrong with lying and will lie even if there’s no need to. Another interesting characteristic they tend to have is that they tend to project any of their own wrong doings on to someone else.
Tvangelist 
This article has helped me to understand that I am not the one to blame in the situation I am currently experiencing.
The man in question is my step uncle who hates independence in women and will only show anger and authority when he has had alcohol. He has insulted me twice on two seperate occassions, comparing me to his step daughter, my response has always been in anger. No one believes me when I say” it’s his fault, hes to blame” i now have a rocky relationship with my cousins and I feel no one wants to know me
I know this is an old post and we have discussed in-between via email. I hope that all is still well?
I have been in a relationship with what you referr to as a “blamer” for over 2 years. After much research, I believe he has borderline personality disorder. He has manipulated, lied and deceived me so much that I am now being treated for depression and anxiety and in the worst shape of my life. This relationship began only months after my 24 year marriage ended, so I was very vulnerable. I’m wondering if he is aware of how much damage he’s done. I mean, is he doing it on purpose. and I’m also wondering how to leave him and if the damage could be permanent
Nobody should be under such stress. Walking away from that toxic person is the answer but I know it is not as easy as that! Does this person really merit your company, your adoration or love if he is hurting you? You deserve better and you should realise that you are strong and a person who has values and respect for yourself is the first and foremost action that you should undertake. Respect for your life means getting rid of the rubbish, walking away from toxic things in your life. Being strong is not easy but not impossible.
thankyou, this as helped me , and in know its not me at work ,this woman makes my life hell and everyone believes her apart from a few people she cums across so sweet yet when no ones looking she does spiteful things to me, I cry everyday at work
Are you now well and happy?
“takes credit for your work..” “the tables will be quickly turned on you and the blamer will make it appear that everything is entirely your fault. He’s innocent and you’re the evil one.” Exactly what I am experiencing this few months. As a team every failed missions he would quickly point to me so that everyone thinks that he’s innocent, exactly. All I could do is say nothing. Lol.
Where are you now?
i got empty heart im all stressed out of the painful this is not me anymore this is my life the words are hurting me
is killing me inside im mersable i got life nobody cares they are not around me treating me all wrong i doint like this
is mean and bulling me im running away and crying
Mallory how are you now – It is 2016 what has happened to you?
dont worry, we are here for you, you got friends.
I’m in a 4 yr long relationship inwihc when things go badly and they do often due to the distance we are working from( shes in Calif and I’m in WA). When ever we have an arguement which will go to an all out verbal fight, I’m always told by her that its always her fault and I see that shes attemting tomake me feel guilty. I am NOT perfect but I will not allow someone to run over the top of me and then exclaim that its her fault. Which, of course leaves me feeling like > I < am the bad guy. I'm not a siat, but I'm no full on sinner either….suggestions? I'm about to end this whole thing and NOT get married to someone who constantly plays this blame game.
I have been away from this part of the site for a while and did not see this. Apologies. I hope you have resolved your issues and that you seriously think twice about what you are getting into. The stress and strains of not being in the same location is possibly to blame and she is using the guilt tools to make you aware that this hurts her…or you are setting yourself up for failure because people’s personalities are set in stone and when there are dificult times the reality shines through. I have said this before: In the cold light of day why are you putting up with this? There has to be a poin in time when you wake up and say – HEY! If you dont stop this then I’m outta here…Sometimes people need a wake-up call. There should not be conflict there should be love and mutual respect and harmony. You only have one life. Enjoy it.
Even today, over some small item, it’s gone from a mild disagreement to a full on verbal war. And I am NOT perfect. But I will not allow anyone to insert some words into my mouth and then try to lay claim that its my fault and its always my fault or made to feel like it is my fault when she rants that its her fault and its always her fault. I know a game when I see one and this is about THE ast item I am willing to work on with this person. Shes been told more times than I have fingers, I dont buy into your faith and wont and I do not down grade you for your faith so why FORCE it down my thorat when it doesn’t work for me.? And then the fight is on. And I mean we’re dropping 20 mega ton city killer nukes on each other left and right.
Why do you continue to be in such a volatile relationship. There has to be a poin in time when you wake up and say – HEY! If you dont stop this then I’m outts here…Sometimes people need a wake-up call. There should not be conflict there should be love and mutual respect and harmony. You only have one life. Enjoy it.
Thank you very much, my boyfriend is a blamer, he tells me that 98% of the time when we have a fight it’s always my fault, once I wanted to do something nice for him and I did his dishes and he send me a text later that I didn’t do this out of love but I was being passive aggressive and obstinate because I continued even after he said I should not wash his dishes. That is just one example. He is a counselor and tells me I have a dark twin. Nobody has ever said that to me before.
In fact my friends and family tell me I’m too nice and I’m a very happy person. I have a wonderful relationship with my children and my former husband and his girlfriend.
They all feel that he is being abusive and trying to control me.
I left him but it’s very hard.
Well done for being strong. There are a lot of nice people looking for a loving, caring kind person like yourself. Open your eyes and stay away from the rotten apples. You will find love.
You must have the courage to leave behind those people who are not nice and not worthy of your love. Nobody should be mistreated – not physically nor mentally. Be strong and look for a nice man – there are plenty out there.
Where is the article on how to cope with the blamer?
Coping with a blamer means confrontation and seeking out the problem – puncturing the wound. generally a blamer is a very weak person who has issues that you as the receiver of blame cannot deal with. Ridding yourself of the problem is the answer not fixing the unfixable. Personality traits are generally fixed in stone after a certain age and the shock of losing someone could awaken the realisation of bad behaviour, could change things…unlikely though…a leopard cannot change its spots. Why do we so desperately cling on to bad relationships when the world is full of lovely people desperate to have a nice and loving relationship.
You leave them you don’t cope with them as they don’t deserve your time.
This is exactly what is going on in my marriage. It is really discouraging to me. I can wake up feeling so happy and by the end of the day I feel depressed, miserable and guilty when in the long run I did nothing wrong. I just defended myself and my children. I feel so distraught\scared at the thought of leaving my husband even though I know he is not good for me and my children. Im not sure what to do. 😦
You have to realise that sometimes you are better off without the bad thing that drags you down. There are two choices – talk to him and get the problems out into the open or walk away from the toxicity. Neither choice is easy if you are not strong. Victims are just that victims and they tend to walk from one problem to another … many people leave one abusive relationship and walk into another like a moth to the flame. Be strong, decide for happiness and make changes otherwise you will never have a smile on your face and enjoy the beauty of your children or give them the loving future they deserve.
is there no way to help the situation. I’m 10 years in with an eight yr old. I love him and want this to work but I feel like I’m at my breaking point. My child told me last night that daddy doesn’t love me as much as I love him . I’m very heartbroken.
I know all to well this. My youngest son’s mom was shot by her husband last year. I moved in to help her for she is my son’s mom to be there for my son and help her. So I sold everything I had to support them. Now I am the only one with a job and she says that she can’t get a job for her food she smokes 2 to 3 packs a day or her criminal history she has a misdemeanor and we are not trying to work it out we are not together in any way. I work Mon thru Fri 10 plus hours a day and I am not allowed to get my eye exam and new glasses I have none now. And I must buy her everything for her. But it is my fault my son acts up only when I come home and the dogs act up when I come in. Not to mention that she is miserable because of me and can do no right everything I do is stupid and I am a quoted so she says. I use to be a EMT advance life support was so for 5 years and couldn’t do it after working my own dad for an hour to no avail. I then became a firefighter and eventually an instructor and had an accident at my regular job and tore my bicep off of my left arm and stepped down and never went back to it. So it all is my fault and I can do no right so I am the irresponsible one and need to work more. So I get off work and dread coming home and vomit repeatedly all I hear is screaming and fussing and cussing orders barked hatred spit towards me. Oh by the way she is a Christian and I am evil. Interesting isn’t it. Sometimes I can see why people commit suicide. But if god is having me go through this then he must really have something big in store for me. Chin up to all and with God’s grace we will get through these trying times.
Sorry she has COPD not food. And she says I am a quiter not quoted lol so sorry not used to auto correct function.
Its not Gods grace but self assertiveness that should see you through life. You are in charge of your own destiny and can be happy, peaceful and contented if you get rid of the things that drag you down.
this is very true, thanks for sharing this
Thank Catherine Pratt at http://www.life-with-confidence.com/always-to-blame.html – She is the author
I wonder if I am the blamer, or my spouse. He is always blaming me and saying I’m at fault and that I am constantly blaming him. I feel like Im crazy. At times I feel like he has a point and others I feel that I have a right to feel the way I do.
Blaming is the first sign that something is wrong. Relationships are for caring and sharing and not blaming.
As long as it’s not destroying your marriage it’s a way to function- but it ain’t healthy that’s for sure
My brother Started a Website a couple years back . It is for Anyone who is having a bad day , P.T.S.D , Anyone who has been through anything traumatic & for family members to help their family or friends cope with what they are going through Its all about love & knowing U R Not Alone. Please pass this on huddl.org
http://www.huddl.org ? Is that the site?
I feel the exact same way, I spend hours questioning whether it was me that caused that row or him. We both seem to misundersand one another and neither of us seem to be able to believe that each others feelings are justified. 12 years of marriage with a beautiful 5 year old son and not ready to give up just yet but still feeling at breaking point
I found this site after being yelled at this morning because I didn’t wake up fast enough to have sex with him before he had to go to work. He wants it like in the movies “what’s wrong with movies?” He asked (after I told him that he wanted to live like the movies)
I can never do anything right. I even question if it was a mistake that I survived my accident when I was younger. God had me live for THIS????? Am I being punished? Is this life to make me PAY for something I did in the last one? I don’t know how much more I can take!
This has helped me believe that maybe he is a MPD or BP, whatever he has, it’s draining me.
The cops even told me and my daughter “talking to him is like talking to the wall” I’m constantly being compared to other women. In an effort to “teach me and make me learn”
Between the yelling, screaming, gas-lighting, tantrums where things get broken, threats and being told that I need meds for depression and menopause, that “menopause” (I’m past 30 so I MUST being going through it) has been making HIS life hell for the past 2 years and I need to see a psychiatrist, I’m a basket case and he wonders why!!
You have to get over this and move on …
There are a lot of nice people in the world who would love to have a normal relationship, who are kind and loving but not given the chance because they are possibly too nice, geeky, ugly, shy, etc. Nobody should be in a relationship where the other person is horrible, nasty and yelling! Find yourself aa nice person, friend and take comfort in their kindness. Don’t wallow in misery, do something about it and be strong. Make changes. You only have one life!
nobody deserves to be yelled at. Be strong and tell him to F*** himself. Smile, live life and look around you at the beauty of nature – animals don’t bicker at each other then get about living and loving.
Thanks. I see that I am a victim, even though, I have not been submissive, because I know that if I can apologize, and fault my self, some of the times, then I know that I am only human; However someone that seems to have extreme pride, is unaware that their only human also!
Be strong, live life and smile…you deserve love and a good life. Walk away from misery.
I get blamed all the time and it causes me to drink. She never takes the time to sit down and try to think what pushed me to it. I have PTSD issues from my combat tours and have been to the psych ward. She caused that because she wanted to argue with me about something that was not done to her satisfaction. This was right after I told her my friend got killed in Afghanistan. Now I am the one who does all the laundry in the house for the whole family. This includes my mother-in-law and stepson who can do no wrong. So this time I was wrong for standing up for myself. I was wrong in asking for a little consideration and at least someone asking if I needed help. They always want something from me, but never want to offer. So now I am the evil one. I am wondering how I got here. I am tired of her playing the victim and me being the monster. A marriage takes work, but now she is the one walking around like she did nothing wrong. She found that one of the shirts was still wet and found it important to bring to my attention instead of just taking care of it. When I laid dieing in afghanistan i never thought that I was allowed to live just to be a servant instead of a husband
Dear Nino, You have faced battle and have been under severe stress in a war zone. You learn to outflank, outmaneuver and outwit your opponents and are trained for combat. Here I read a person (you) who has kinda given up on who he is and is allowing another person to dictate and dominate and you capitulate…you have given up on yourself. Would you do that as a soldier? I don’t think so. Heading to drink is no answer and you know that. You have 1 life which was given back to you after your combat duty so you need to make the most of it. Hold your head up, look around you as there are many places, many people and many great things you could be doing instead of being downtrodden. Stand up strong and move your life forward – You only have one chance, so make the most of it, not the worst.
Nino – your email domainis .ne.jp (Japan) where are you living?
Damn feels. 😥
As a junior lawyer in my first year in legal practice, I am well aware that I have a lot to learn from my experienced senior lawyers and clerks in my company. Unfortunately they take it as an advantage and tend to yell at me over every trivial issues, including their own mistakes. When I finally brought the issue to my boss’ attention, he told me that all of them are under “tremendous stress” and I should just shut up, stop complaining and do my own work.
At first I tried to yell back and defend myself, and yes, like you mentioned in your article, it makes everything worse.
“Why me?” This is a question I’ve been asking myself ever since I joined the company. Just like everybody else, I’m dealing with everything within my job scope properly, but why am I the only one getting blamed and yelled at all the time?
This is my 10th month in the company and I realize that I’ve lost all my confidence in myself – I don’t even dare to make a call without consulting my seniors! Feeling completely useless and lost. I’ve lost count of how many times I want to leave the company, yet I’m still here working for them because I no longer have the courage and confidence to apply for a new job.
Day 310, still struggling.
You have to look at this in real terms and stop thinking it’s all about you. It’s about stressed human beings who take out there frustration on somebody lower down the chain. I am sure they don’t yell at their bosses but their bosses may yell at them…You do not need to work in a toxic environment. If you cannot fix it, the only way, I’m afraid, is to look for work elsewhere. It’s that simple. You are not beholding to your job. Stand up, be strong and move on.
Just went through another horrible day and I’m glad to read your heartfelt advice. :’)
Thank you so much. I will stay strong and move on.
You have to believe in yourself, your values and your abilities. You are, deep down, the creator of your own destiny…make your life happy and leave these people in their misery – leave them in your wake…nautically speaking! You know you can!
My husband is so charming and sincere towards everyone. Sometimes overly nice. We have been together for 7 years, married for almost a year. I can’t believe how things have changed and what has developed. I’m walking on egg shells all the time and I’m consistently nice about everything. I’m always apologizing for silly things but he’s extremely angry with me all the time. I’m starting to feel like I’m some kind of retarded woman that never learned to do anything. He’s always calling me an idiot and saying such hurtful things. He stopped have conversations with me like an adult and just tells at me. There’s no reasoning with him or telling him he’s wrong either. It makes it a million times worse if I just don’t apologize right away. But that doesn’t even help. I have no idea how he survives being so negative all the time. I’m so happy with everything and if I’m not happy I change whatever it is. I do so much house/yard work and I’m always being told I never do anything and he does everything. I’m to the point where I’m emotionally beat up. I’m starting to think I’m just a naive piece of crap and did not see this coming.
This is sad to hear and typifies how people who once loved a person enough to commit to them suddenly turns horrible! My suggestion is radical and probably not on your agenda…but you should not accept his abuse and stand up for yourself. You know you havé done nothing Strong because you havé been able to express that in your writing! Be Strong and Tell him no more abuse … Where has the love gone? … Ask him why he is so angry…maybe there is no love anymore and only frustration that turns to anger…it’s tough to face up to but you must for your own sanity.
I feel like I m always wrong, even if I do my best it’sss never enough. My partner always makes me do his work because he thinks I have more free time than him and, and even if there is a slight setback that wasn’t under my control it’s still my fault. The first thing he will do is call and tell me I was too busy talking to my family or too busy with my own stuff to do his stuff properly. The other day he filled up two forms in the first form he had typed his phone number wrong, and in the other one the address wrong, I caught the mistake on the first one and told him to that he responded, well this is why I tell u to do it, now see what’s happened I dont even know how to resubmit a correction. On the second one I missed the address part because I was double checking his name and telephone number, but because I missed that he called me up the next day and told me that he’s never met anyone as selfish and self centered as me that he sent me the forms for a reason and I didn’t bother checking them, if only I wasn’t too busy laughing with my parents I would have seen it.
I aopolgised for missing it but his verbal abuse continued he continued telling me how he does everything for me and I dont do anything at all. That he divided the tasks because when he met me he thought I was intelligent and he expected me to be intelligent but I am a big fat zero when it comes to relationships it wasn’t for him the relationship would have ended a long time ago. I am so tired of explaining myself to him.
I feel guilty all the time and scared to even smile or laugh because if he has a bad day he will use it against me.
Sonia – What is keeping you there in such a relationship? Ask yourself this – Whay do I have to stay? Is there a compelling reason?
Very right said ,all these things happen with me.
You shouldn’t let them though!
I know this reply is late, but I just stumbled upon this when researching and it helped me.
I believe I am married to a blamer. For so long I blamed myself for everything, thus because my dad was a blamer and I was that one child who he blamed for everything. When my husband and I got together I didn’t necessarily see him as a narcissistic person. I don’t know if it was because he was putting on a facade, or if I was just to weak to notice, or both? He was very sweet, and he can still have very sweet manners about him, but when he gets upset he is a completely different person. I used to blame myself for eveything that went wrong. I am starting now to wonder if everything was ever my fault? Parts of me still believes it is and an opposite side of me tells me its not. An example, he gets so mad and controlling when it comes to money. It’s Christmas time, and like last year the problem is the same. He tells me to spend a certain amount and so I stay at that budget. Yet then once we start paying for presents he freaks out and it starts a crazy argument about how I over spend, or I lie to him about where the money is going, or I am taking all his money, and he works so much harder than me even though he works less hours and I need to think better and make better choices. The worse part is, is he gets my mother in law involved and she takes his side to. My family lives farther away, and I wouldn’t dare drag people in to pick sides, so I constantly am the bad guy and stay there in that spot. He has become very controlling. Says I can’t get new clothes, can’t go grocery shopping without him. I have to buy the foods he wants or he criticises me. Its gets bad enough some times he’ll cry, or he’ll throw stuff and then get mad that I now ignore him while he does this. Say’s I’ve changed. I don’t know what to do some times. Can this be helped or changed? I feel like I have to tip toe around this problem or keep my mouth shut because it will just make things worse.
Dear Terri,
I am no doctor of psychology, nor am I a psychiatrist I am just a normal man who has lived many years 56 of them so far…I have seen and experienced the complex world that humans have created. Relationships are tough and when people get controlling it is always because there are people who allow themselves to be dominated. It is hard to stand up to the one you love and when they throw a tantrum and become ‘the victim’ it is clear that they are the ones with the issues. It takes a lot to change person’s personality (normally an illness, or a near-death experience). As long as there is no violence and you are not in harm’s way you should look to be stronger, look to stand up to him and not be down-trodden. If he doesn’t like the food you buy tell him to go and get his own shopping…In a relationship it is all about sharing and it is not a one-way street. You are not his slave, you are supposed to be his partner and vice versa. Be strong. There are plenty of nice people out there looking for a lovely lady like you. It is sad that the person who has the privilege to be with you does not see that you are such a nice person – the person he chose to be with in the first place.
Terri where are you now? Is everything OK?
In my case, it’s my Step-Dad who is the blamer. I was already well aware of the fact that I was never at fault, but the problem is I have nowhere to go. I am trying to complete my degree so I can finally move out, but until then im stuck at home. Actually home is the incorrect word when describing the house i live in, Prison would be better. This is a living hell, but im not planning on taking my life. However i can’t see myself making it through school at this rate. Any ideas for someone with nowhere to go?
I had written back to you whilst I was travelling but it appears not to have been published. I don’t know what to say other than you have to stand strong in the face of adversity and look at the end goal and your degree. Getting through school is VERY important so that you can stand on you own two feet and make a life for yourself free of this man. Imagine all those poor people who have nothing and then look at your situation critically. If there is no physical violence you can rise above the insults and the mental abuse. You have to see this as an opportunity to be motivated to do well and drive forward harder – concentrate on the goal and not the hurdles in-between…I hear your words I hope this encourages you to finish your degree.
an exact definition of my dad, always telling me “you started it!” Especially when he starts yelling and I get mad and yell back. It’s always the same “you yelled first” I’ve had enough.
Thank you for this article…i have learnt something very clearly. One is not always wrong. Sometimes some situations and people whom we adore and trust keep on putting us in the wrong place..but that place is very difficult to deal with. I have had several failed relationships in live and it has put me through a severe stage of depression. Even after several years and attempts i couldnt recover from that state and kept blaming myself for all those wrongs that happened in my life. Even after years a part of me still keep repeating the same question ‘WHY ME?’. I accept my choices were wrong, i tend to correct them but everything seemed just going down the drains. Time did heal a lot but then everything is still quite clumsy. I get irritated easily, losing my calm at simple things, i shout yell cry but nothing really gets me out of my shell. This article helped me understand my stage somehow and good to know I am not the only one. thank you so much…
I read this article to myself and the whole time I’m shouting in my head “yes!, Omg that’s exactly him” etc. My husband whom iv been with for 10 yrs and have a two yr old with can be caring and selfless, however he has this switch, and when its flipped he gets very angry very quickly. This afternoon he used my car then this evening I asked when my keys were and because they were not where he thought they were he blamed me for moving them. He is very specific where he puts his things and everything around the house has to b done his way so him losing or misplacing something doesn’t go down well. I finally found them and when I did again he said that he didn’t put them there and it must have been me (but said in an aggressive manner). I said not to blame me and just because they were where he thought they were doesn’t mean its someone else’s fault. (probably not the best thing to say as I know how he gets, but I don’t like being put down when iv done nothing wrong). He then basically blamed me again then told me I was making the situation worse and that I needed to shut the f*ck up. This is just a small example of his behaviour and it doesn’t happen often however he can hold a grudge for a long time (I’m talking months!) (I mean he’s sleeping in the other room tonight for goodness sake). Basically when its good he’s lovely buy when its bad its horrendous and noone else sees this side of him so they just don’t understand. I don’t want to leave him as I still love him but I do need the means to talk to him about it. So what I asking for is if someone knows how to even start a conversation like this with such a strong “blamer”. Every talk In the past has obviously not gone well as the basis of the conversation is a negative about him so I’m just at a loss of where to go from here. Please. Help xxxxx
It is often hard to understand how you can love somebody who treats you so bad and that he has to go and sleep alone. Holding a grudge? What terrible things do you do that makes another person hold a grudge for months? Seriously! This is not rational. It seems to be a one way street and there is no way that he will engage in a rational way…otherwise he would not do these things. He seems unhappy in his life. Ask him what is making him unhappy…and dont look to blame for how he is but get to the bottom of his irrational behaviour…
Hello mister. Actually I don’t really know what to do anymore. In my case, the one who always blames everything on me is my mother. Even the time when I was molested, she said that it happened to everyone, and if I let it bothers me, I am a loser. From the time I was born my skin is sick (it’s not infective), and when someone in the family tell their kid to stay away from me because I’m sick, when I tell her she said it was because I live too messy that people think like that. When my uncle blame me for stealing their stuff, even though she believes I didn’t do it, she said that it was my fault to ever borrow stuffes from people (my uncle). That were the big things, there’re lots of small things that happen everyday too. To tell you the truth, my mother’s past is pitiful, so she always act strong, and she sacrified everything to bring me and my sister up. At the time I was born, she even has tuberculosis and nearly died. But at the present, everything is kind of alright but she is still always like that, I think part of it because she never admit she’s wrong, but part of it is because she worried so much about everything too. I always try to not answer everything she said at times when she’s being unreasonable. But, sometimes I just feel so unfair and can’t keep it in. I’m lucky even after all that I still always believe that I’m worth something, but, I love my mother so much and I want us to be happy, which I think won’t happen if my mother keeps being like that (she’s been like that ever since the day I was born). Please give me an advise. I would take myself and mom to a psychologist if there were someone trustworthy in my country, but no, their no real psychologists in my country. Can you please give me an advice, I’m so tired.
I am not sure how old you are or which country you live in so that would be nice to know. You have to look at your mother and understand that she is really the one that has the problem. It is not you. She is using you because you are close and an easy target. You have to confront her and ask her why! Why does she need to be like she is – ask her in a matter of fact way what is troubling her …Believe in yourself and do not allow yourself to be dominated like this. Just say NO and believe that you are right and be strong like your mother and look people in the eye and say NO…NO MORE…Tell them this is not how people are supposed to be and that it is about LOVE and LOVE is not there to hurt.
I too am in a relationship with a blamer. Nothing is ever her fault, ive had to mold into everything she’s wanted, which granted has bettered my life, yet she’s still unhappy. I think it would fucking kill her to compliment me, and almost every single thing she’s accused me of making her feel (walking on eggshells, a sense of entitlement etc) are all the things she makes me feel. And there’s absolutely no reasoning with her or doors start slamming and my anxiety becomes almost uncontrollable. Because of course, she can act like that, but i can not.
I’m sure she’ll still hold against me the things I’ve done wrong to her, even though i have asked for forgiveness and the topic of things she does wrong, of course are never part of the discussion.
We’re still trying to make it work tho for reasons, I’m not even sure. Sometimes i think she just keeps me around to make it easy on her wallet.
It’s heartbreaking yet I’m not one to give up.
I just have zero clue on how to bring to her attention how I’M feeling without there being a full blown shit fest.
Dear Jessica,
It is really hard to read a situation from an email but let me just say that I feel for you. There is a lot of issues in the world and they are all related to ‘people getting on with people’ or ‘not getting on’ actually. Those of us who are a little more sensitive do tend to be stressed and anxious and I often wondered what it must be like to be hard, controlling and the one that is dominant and always right…but that is not a natural way to be so it will never happen. I am sorry to say this to you but insensitive and manipulating people will never change, especially if they have someone to dominate. The narcissist, psychopath (I don’t mean serial killer here) can never see fault in what they do and can NEVER say sorry. It is a personality trait that cannot be repaired as it is a function of the person and a chemical, physical attribute. They will never change and have no empathy or sympathy for YOUR issues as they do not recognise them and cannot equate to this set of emotions/feelings.
I have a motto that I live by and that is – You can hurt me once and I will forgive you, twice even and I will again forgive you…I might even forgive you a third time but it will be the last time that you hurt me because I will say goodbye. The question you should ask are obvious but not easy to bring to bear: “Do you really love me if you hurt me all this times, do you really care about me if you treat me so badly?” “If this is what you think is correct then you are wrong, and unless you recognise this then we should not be together.” Shocking as that may sound it is deep down the right way to deal with it. Nobody should be mistreated, dominated or hurt by another person because they live together. There are many beautiful people in the world desperately seeking a lovely person so you are NOT alone. Think about this because you have one life that needs to be lived full of joy and harmony…not trouble and strife. I hope you find peace and things move on for the better.
I constantly get blamed for everyone’s problems, my ex husband and I broke up 8 years ago, we went though a lot he had a rare illness, I took care of him, his family was anything but helpful. The whole situation was awful for everyone. He dumped me and moved on with in weeks. He’s now remarried and I contacted him to tell him about our shared 14 year old dog having to o be put down.He immediatley brought up every wrong thing I’d ever said or did, blamed the whole demise of the marriage on me. I ruined everything, the business, etc. I kept telling him we all made mistakes him me, his family friends. It’s not solely my fault. All he did was attack me and brought up shit that happened 10 years ago. I never fought with him in court about anything, I actually walked away with very little. I moved away and started over as it was hard watching him move on so quick and has said I was just running from my problems and everyone knows it’s my fault. How can someone that says they are happy and moved on still harbour such hate for me. I thought after all this time we could have a conversation see how each other doing in life. I’m hurt and it sounds like he’s still sitting around bashing me.
When a couple are not meant to be together for whatever reason then they should never be together. Many people cling to the past because they always want closure and they always want it to be a nice happy ending. You and your husband clearly were not meant to be and you were released from your marriage. 8 years have gone by and I suspect he has never contacted you in that time…but you felt that you had to call him about the dog because you are a sensitive person and a caring one, which is clearly the case if you spent time looking after him and his illness. I am going to be hard here because you should not have called him because he clearly is not a nice person – Anyone who can be so nasty to another person that they declared undying love to and married is inherantly not a nice person full stop. You moved away and started over and that is admirable and exactly what you should have done and continue to do. You need to distance yourself mentally and let this person live his sour life because he is the one that cannot mend. I told another person this in an earlier email: I often wondered what it must be like to be hard, controlling and the one that is dominant and always right…but that is not a natural way to be so it will never happen. I am sorry to say this to you but insensitive and manipulating people will never change, especially if they have someone to dominate. The narcissist, psychopath (I don’t mean serial killer here) can never see fault in what they do and can NEVER say sorry. It is a personality trait that cannot be repaired as it is a function of the person and a chemical, physical attribute. They will never change and have no empathy or sympathy for YOUR issues as they do not recognise them and cannot equate to this set of emotions/feelings.
You have to completely move and and look forwards not backwards and I recommend that you wake up tomorrow, smile and remember that you have a life to lead that is your own and you need to be happy by letting go of things that were bad in your life. For whatever reason you think things can be platonic and nice with some people they often cannot. Please move on positively and let it be known to everyone around you that you are strong, happy and resilient.
I know this post is old… but I read it and I was like wow omg!.. my partner now ex… is so like this when we disagree with things my opinion doesn’t matter he will say stop goinging on and ok whatever, if you say so no point going on you never listen… And all I wanted him to do was listen to my opinion..he tells me his friends don’t have same opinion as I do about him or things as I’m the only person who says this…. he friends don’t see his minplative side and to be honest I don’t think they’ed ever will as I’ve tried to explain and failed that they not dated you or they don’t know what your like behind closed doors… we have a 2yr old son…. he kept saying to me I’ve got more to lose then him . .. And he has nothing to lose … for the fact I didn’t have my children am trying to hold it together for them but just seems like no matter what i do or say I’m wrong and his right
I find it’s a lot to do with the people you surround yourself with!
My wife surrounds herself with self centred bitches who are just out for themselves. No family life with any of them, hard to deal with when your wife starts behaving like one.
I know this post is old… but I read it and I was like wow omg!.. my partner now ex… is so like this when we disagree with things my opinion doesn’t matter he will say stop goinging on and ok whatever, if you say so no point going on you never listen… And all I wanted him to do was listen to my opinion..he tells me his friends don’t have same opinion as I do about him or things as I’m the only person who says this…. he friends don’t see his minplative side and to be honest I don’t think they’ed ever will as I’ve tried to explain and failed that they not dated you or they don’t know what your like behind closed doors… we have a 2yr old son…. he kept saying to me I’ve got more to lose then him . .. And he has nothing to lose … for that am trying to hold it together for my children but just seems like no matter what i do or say I’m wrong and his right And am funding hard to walk away
I keep an eye on what is going on here despite the time that has passed since the first post and can sincerely sympathies with you albeit I have never been through such a difficult situation in any of my relationships. What I do know is that you have said your ex-partner…this is then confusing because you say you are finding it hard to walk away. Are you with this person or not? I would sincerely listen to yourself as you seem to understand the situation and realise that it cannot go on. Unfortunately we are like moths to the flame and we are drawn back to bad situations thinking that it will get better – But it never does. It is what it is and you either stay or you walk away and look for something better. There is no halfway house.
Hi,
I’m not really sure if I am with a blamer as such, in fact I don’t know what to think to be honest. All I know is I’m tired and exhausted and fed up and feel sad a lot of the time. My other half always wants to make everything better all the time, for example the way the house is run the amount of shifts I work how I spend my free time. Just when I think I’ve done it all right he changes it to make it even better or more efficient this constantly makes me feel like whatever I do isn’t good enough like I will never be on top of things or organised enough, but if I confront him on this he just says it’s only because he wants our family to be the best we can be. He can never be wrong and will say anything no matter how stupid or irrelevant just to argue back and be right. It’s exhausting at times, I’ve spoken to him about it and he says all the right things but nothing seems to change. I don’t know what to do anymore, am I the one being overly sensitive and silly as he has many good qualities it’s just these few things that seem to be really dragging me down. Is he a blamer or is it just me being silly
More a controller than a blamer it would appear. Perhaps you have to be strong and just put your foot down and show that you are strong. If you keep adapting to his desires he will keep doing it because he knows he can. Because as you have stated you “just when I think I’ve done it all right HE changes it.” Well tell him that is what he wanted and that is what you did and that is what he is going to get.
No is no and if possible you have to turn the tables on him…Have you ever told him how he should spend his spare time or how he should be? Relationships are not a one way street. Why do you think you are you being silly? Nobody should be telling you how to spend your free time, so NO you are NOT silly. Look – We – You and HIM have one life on this planet – sort this out and get back on track in a sharing caring way. The only way things stop that you don’t like is to take action and just say NO, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. You need fun and laughter and goals and not sadness. Next time smile at him and try to think how you can state that this is not going to happen any longer and that if he isn’t happy tell him he can stick it in his pipe and smoke it. Maybe that will shock him into realising he cannot control you. The more you give in to controllers, bullies and those kinds of personalities the more they keep doing what they do. Have courage and be brave.
Hi,
I have been with my wife for 14 years this year, we have 3 children and one on the way. Depression has played a part in my wife’s life for a few years now and in all honesty I think this year has been really hard for me. I have worked a lot to gather money together for a deposit for a bigger home for us all and I’d say this has been a big strain on our relationship.
No one is to blame for this as it was needed in order to get to this position we are in now financially. My wife loathes me at the moment for reasons unknown, she nit picks at a lot of stuff I do/say, and although I do do/say the odd daft thing, everything just boils in her head. Fact is she has not shown me any affection/love for a while now and I do put that down to a 1 year old hanging off her breast constantly.
There’s no kiss/hug at anytime, I try but it’s just not enough lately. She’s angry at me and can’t tell me why?
Gets annoyed because I’m suspicious or her, when if I am to be honest, she does make me suspicious because she changed all her passwords and keeps her phone on silent. I feel I have to be quiet and do as I’m told because she will take my kids away from me if I’m not a good boy and do as she says.
She works 3 days a week so has a decent social life (more than myself) so any time I have off I want with her tbh. She said the other week I have controlled her since we have been together? She moans about our bank (joint) but I spoke to her and gave some home truths “she earns £x I earn £xxxx so if we had separate accounts why should I pay for 80% of everything and she has money to play with? I was shocked tbh, I thought long and hard and could only see the good I have done for her and my children, was I looking hard enough?
She’s my absolute world and I don’t know what to do.
Dear Graham, I will think about this and write something this weekend.
I am still trying to get my head around your complex relationship. You say she is your world … yet she treats you badly.
Let me start by saying that I love my wife with all my heart. Her and I have been separated for 9 months now. We’re 35 yrs old and she moved back in with her parents (9 months ago) and I moved into an apartment. We’ve been going through separate counseling ever since through our church. She had been sitting at church with me on Sundays until recently when she started attending her parents church. She blames me because she says I was judgmental, when all I have done is lived by the word of God. She professes to be a Christian to trust God, to live by his word. But it seems she only lives by what is convenient for her. Her mother is the same way, it’s almost likes its all a show for them. Her mother and step father have a horrible relationship until they’re in public at which time they become that happy Christian family. I’m so tired of everything being a show and being fake, I don’t understand why people can’t just be real. I also don’t understand why she refuses to go to joint marriage counseling with me. I recently had a medical scare with an MRI that I had on my head and she seemed to claim me once again as her husband and even attended the doctors appointment with me. Seems to me that it was all just so she looked good to her friends and parents. It lasted for the 2 weeks that we had to wait for the results. The other night she proceeded to tell me what I am and, what I am not. Blaming me for things that happened 9 + months ago. I told her that it amazes me that she is the only one in my life that doesn’t see the changes that I’ve made in my life. There was no cheating, no abuse none of that. We had financial issues that seemed to always be blamed on me, I don’t make enough, she to this day tells me that I need to be the provider for the family, that is says so in the bible. I work 11+ hours a day, I don’t make 6 figures but I don’t make a bad living either. She is very used to the finer things in life having only dated men and been married to men who made really nice money. I have 2 daughters from a previous marriage, when she met me I made less money then I do now, and she seemed more then fine with everything. She didn’t have any children from her previous 2 marriages. We ended up getting married and having a sweet baby girl together. I’m all over the place with this, there is so much to it. I’m tired of fighting for this but I can’t give up on it either. I’m scheduled to see a neurologist on Thursday for an area of white matter that they found on my frontal lobe along with these constant headaches. She doesn’t seem interested or concerned in me once again, in any aspect because I stood up for myself the other night (we don’t cuss at each other when arguing, we leave that out along with the yelling). I’ve always been a strong man, I’m a vet, played college football, burned half my body 3rd degree with extreme internal trauma metal in my left arm (I’m covered in tattoos and scars), wake up in pain every day with every step I take, but I’ve always fought it, I never gave up. When I married this woman everything seemed to be a little easier to tolerate for me, it felt like an awesome dream, like everything that I’ve survived had lead me to this woman and this point in my life, and now I just feel as though I’m stuck in a nightmare. I’m tired of always having to fight and be strong, I’m tired of the pain, I’m contemplating suicide. Then at least her and my girls will be “provided” for through my life insurance policy. I’ve been fighting to save my family and marriage for 9+ months now. In my opinion she hasn’t lifted a finger to save this marriage, yet she won’t file for divorce. She plans trips back home to visit her friends for a “mommy getaways”, always buying new cloths and shoes with the money she saves living with her parents. And all of that would be fine if we didn’t have any debt. But then she wants to blame me for the debt and tell me that I need to be the “provider” of the family. Like I said I’m tired, there is so much to this, and I don’t want to talk to anyone close to me about my suicidal thoughts because I don’t want anyone to stop me if I do decide to follow through with it. I read your article and thought that some of these things sounded like my wife, and I needed to vent. She wasn’t always this way, she was such an amazing person who loved me and my girls for the first part of our relationship/marriage. I’m not saying that I don’t have fault, because I do, however I’ve done everything to better myself and I feel as though shes only sinking deeper into this person that she’s become. Nothing I say or do makes any difference, its always my fault.
Dear Billy- It sounds like you need to concentrate on living for your girls. Suicide may be a way for this to all go away but do you want your children to know that you gave up on them? If you have done everything to better yourself then use that positive to be a great father- do not underestimate how much girls look up to there fathers and need them. All you will do is destroy 4 lives – your own and your children. There are millions of lonely women on the planet who desperately need a loving, caring man. Your wife maybe the love of your life but she does not seem to be returning that love. Otherwise this would not be happening. You need to realise that and be aware that love is not a one way street. Focus your love on your girls and be strong, be a man and be a father and do not ruin your children’s lives by running away from the responsibilities of fatherhood. You will have loving children if you love them and focus on your life together. And remember blame is easy when you want to push something or someone away. If you show her you don’t care she may realise what she is missing. If she does not realise this then maybe you have to stand up and say to yourself, “I deserve better.” If she doesn’t get it you have to let her go and focus on YOU. YOU are a person and YOU need to keep up your mental strength and be there for your Children because they need you more than you realise right now.
Dear billy, I wont comment on your marriage issues as I think there are people far more qualified to do so however I do want to touch on what you said about suicide….. I can completely empathize with your struggle I too get Horrible headaches all the time but….. When I was 12 years old my father committed suicide and he did it due to financial problems and said I his suicide note to me and my brother and sister that at least we would be provided for with his insurance money. Let me tell you something straight from the heart….. The pain I feel everyday from missing my father was not worth a million times the large about of money we received. And I hate that he thought money could replace him. I am 32 yrs old and I will cry at least 6 times a year still to this day over him. Do you want your daughters to feel this way or the rest of their lives? Because they will. I wish so hard that my dad had fought harder. Even if that meant we would struggle, I would take that trade. I know this message seems harsh and I don’t want to put pressure on you when u are obviously already feeling great strain but if their was someone around to beg my dad not to have done it he may still be here with us. So on behalf of your daughters I am begging you to fight and got give in. Stay alive and be their to walk them down the aisle and see them graduate and to hold their children when they have them. Xxxxx
Well women are certainly to blame when they have such very high demands when it comes to men. Must have a head full of hair, a career making a very high salary, must have a million dollar home, drive a very expensive car, a man that looks like Brad Pitt too. A very high demanding list i would say considering that most of these women today are very obese, and not all attractive that they really think they’re. And most of the women today think they’re God’s gift to men. How very sad.
Oh my Steve! – You seem very unhappy. I don’t think you can lay ‘blame’ on the entire female population of the world. Those who are abused are not like you suggest of that I am sure.
Like all human beings we have the good and the bad and all traits in-between – Some people are demanding and yes there are the gold diggers and then again there are the sweet and lovely ordinary, who just want a nice person in their life.
You sound bitter and rejected? Are you single?
I have been a relationship for 1 year and 6 months now and he now blaming me for what his 5 year son does wrong I’m the one who is being punished all the time I get told to leave all the time
Dear Mandy,
Dialogue is the answer – Talk openly about it. His so is always going to be there and your boyfriend will not stop until you have an open conversation. Try that path first…If you get told to leave then why dont you leave? What is it that keeps you there?
Why do you stay? There are sooooo many nice people in the world you don’t need to put yourself at the mercy of someone who is not nice to you. Open your eyes and don’t be a victim.
I just went to a counselor who gave me this article to read. I have the exact same problem with my mom and this article is very helpful. It’s reassuring to know that it’s not me. I’m 62 and after 62 years of having someone do that to you, it’s very hard step out of that mindset
I am 61 and I have not spoken to my mother for about 8 years now. She is too ‘complex’ to be in my life and all I went through growing up she does not see … I needed to move on. It hurts but it is for the best.
My mother has been a manipulator all of my life. She is hot and cold. She’ll be so nice and then, as if a switch is turned on, so mean. she’ll go for long periods of time not talking to me about something I did yet never tell me what it is. i’ll ask and she’ll say “you know what you did” and I absolutely don’t know. She’s not talking to me now and it’s so hard when I go to family functions. I try to ignore and not play into it but it’s terrible.
I am sorry to hear that and sorry that I was not able to talk to you sooner. I lost my password and have been struggling to recover my website … Sadly many people are in your situation and you do understand that there are friends around you, people you can turn to. Parents dont often understand and dont always function like we see in the Hallmark movies. Keep your chin up and remember you can choose your friends but sadly not your family and that always makes life complicated in such situations. Be brave and challenge her if you can.
its 2021 and this is exactly how my mother treats me. Its impossible to deal with.. and the fact that I am unemployed at the moment just makes it worse, I am just glued to her 24/7 and totally depend on her… theres no escape…one day goes fine yet another is a total disaster. Nothing is right.. my appearance ( I used to think I was ugly because of her through my teens cause she would always say that Ive gained more weight, so I had kept a real strict diet for a solid of 3 years back in those days and got problems with digestive system now) also went from fat to skinny (bony) to fit and healthy muscle yet again it was better when I was skinny as a tree log (“Your butt is big now!”) …my skills ( BSc first class honours, MSc distinction, high school transcript that could get me into any university of my home country )…freaking food that I cook “too much salt”, “too much seasoning thats why you got acne all over your face”, and “you’d have to spend so much money to fix it”. Every time that I clean, “its not clean at all”. Never…..I can put more energy into it, same result. These two are the only things I can help with at the moment, yet they’re always wrong but if I don’t do them, oh my god… a tragedy …a drama.. a freaking suicide.. “you never listen to me! “even tho I behave almost exactly how she wants me to, I fix every damn thing she dislikes about me, except a few things I was able to gain freedom in… I am more happy when I am away from her, yet I cannot even admit it loudly … Every argument just makes me feel more miserable, I am already confident in the fact that I am a useless piece of trash… Ive got trust issues, so can’t rely on anyone else.. not strangers, not friends, no one.. not even my brother or other relatives .. I hate who Ive become.. She`ll make negative remarks about me not being independent much yet then totally cut all of my ways of communicating with other people. I don’t even know what to do, cause if I act brave enough to argue, I feel bad at what Id say after, I am at the point of not being able to tolerate people who raise their voice, immediate tears or fear.. I am a grown adult, and its just such an embarrassment. Sometimes thinking of .. but too afraid of the consequences.. trapped all my life..
I am really sorry that I have not been able to take time to answer and it is now 2022 – Where has the time gone? If you still get this I want you to start living for YOU and to stop living for the people around you. You are educated, you are wise (although you might not think so) as you have analysed your situation. You need to look for a job and find something that allows you to give yourself to people in a way that makes you feel wholesome and respected. There are jobs out there that need people who understand the tough things in life. Carers, Social Work, Nursing support etc. So many people need to feel helped and you need to find your value. YOU have a VALUE and dont let people take that away from you. Don’t hate who you have become change it! Stand up for yourself but DONT justify it to others. Sadly toxic people will never change and if you leave them in your rear view mirror then you will find peace. Be strong – LIVE – LOVE – LAUGH and most of all LOVE YOURSELF FIRST.
Thank you very much for your article.
My fiance and I broke up 2 weeks before our wedding. I ignored the red flags throughout our relationship which become more apparent as the wedding approached. Our conflicts grew to the point where I was stressed, unhappy and unsure of our future. He attacked my personality, made up facts, put words into my mouth and insisted I was to evil one who destroyed everything when everything was “fine”. I suggested to postpone our wedding so that we could have time to figure things out but he refused. It was now or never to him.
Turned out he moved on to someone else in less than a year’s time. It has been a year and half now and I am still going through the healing process and in immense pain and disappointment everyday. The fact that he probably never did or will understand my feelings and pain really hurt me tremendously. I have loved him and opened up to him the way I never did to anyone else. I still love him even if I do not want to. I want it to be him even if he has made it clear that he does not need it to be me.
Your article helped me to understand that I did what I could to salvage the relationship and I should not be the one taking all the blames. I know the healing process is still long but this article truly helped a lot. Thank you.
It has been some time and I had lost access to his blog. I hope that all is well – we have seen that you have to love yourself first and not blame yourself for what others may have done to you. Be strong – HE was NOT the right person for you and his actions PROVED that. There is a whole world out there and there will be someone for you. Be strong and don’t be so hard on yourself. Sending hugs and good luck your way.
Oh my goodness! This hit home so much! I have two of these people in my life. One is my husband and the other is my own daughter . Walking away from him has proven to be anything but possible, but the thought of walking away from my daughter is absolut torture.
You never have to walk away but you have to also realize that you are allowed a life too. I walked away from a marriage and I left my kids but today I have the greatest of relationship with them. I always kept in touch – always made sure they knew I loved them and it all worked out. It is hard as the guilt is heavy. Sometimes the only way, is to walk away, if you have not managed to fix the things that are broken.
Hi, I’ve been in a relationship with my wife for 5 years, and at some point she changed. It was slow at first, I guess; getting mad or acting aggravated towards me, for things out of my control. Suddenly now nothing I do is enough anymore, and everything is my fault, I try to reason with her; try to get some understanding as to why, but then it just starts some stupid argument that I’m actively trying to defuse, but it’s already too late. The other day she missed a turn in an area we drive all of the time; she knew where she was going and where we were, but as soon as I say, “You passed it,” she’s mad saying I should’ve told her like she didn’t know the area or something. All of that are just small fries compared to the usual day to day though; there’s always something that will upset her, and suddenly she’s acting upset with me as if I’m the cause of her anguish. The constant fighting has left me bitter recently I suppose. I’ve become extremely depressed over the past year; being admitted to a psychological hospital had helped, but I think it was just the break from the constant frustration and disconnection I’d been experiencing. When I’d returned home it wasn’t so bad for a while; she did show sympathy for my condition having not known how I was feeling, but that ended quickly. Now, I’m beyond square one. Our love has degraded, or mine for her anyway, and I’m not sure she even sees that. I try my hardest to make her happy, but nothing works. I’ve considered leaving her, but don’t have the strength to do it, and I couldn’t make our son deal with having separated parents. I’ve always experienced anxiety, but it’s worse than ever, and somehow despite everything; I only feel safe with her, I’m agoraphobic and experience extreme social anxiety, and I hardly feel like I have her to lean on anymore.
I don’t even know why I’m here wasting all of this time typing this; I feel like I’m trying to seek help or an out to my situation, but my reality is there isn’t one. My life just isn’t.. without her. I feel like, without her I have nothing and no one, and frankly if you take the time to read this, then I’m sorry for wasting your time, because you can’t help me. Thank you for making me feel a little less crazy though.. I guess that part helped some.
You have to be realistic and look at this in a pragmatic way. We all have those car arguments – I have been married 23 years and it still happens…that is as you say minor compared to the rest of the things that happen. If you want to stay with her and she wants you than you are going to have to find a coping mechanism. Perhaps it is just that you need to look at yourself and love yourself to start with. You are a good person, you have a brain – You need to understand that most of the things when anxious are made up – The brain is inventing stories that don’t exist. I have heard that CBD is a good help – a few drops in water…I have a friend that has the same angst and it helps her. Again you must look inward and take control of yourself. Be strong – as strong as you can and step by step make changes so that you care more about yourself first – then direct your attention to her and your family. Be strong with yourself and their love will be there. Good luck and be safe.
Hi, I have been with my girlfriend in a relationship for the past 2 years. it’s a long distance relationship and whenever we have time we spend it together either via discord or just meet each other in person. I really love her and I want to spend every moment of my life with her. But whenever beaten down and dominated by her arguments, and I just say I am sorry because I don’t know what else to say. Every time I try to be honest in feelings with her and how I felt at that moment. But every time when discussion starts i feel like we never get to a conclusion and i try to show however i can that my emotions are different and that I want her to tell me “yes I understand you, and that’s how you felt at that moment”. I never ever have a intention to hurt or anything. But sometimes it happens that I say something that felt to me insignificant but to her it is very important and hurtful. And I try to speak out how I feel about it, and I listen to her and try to understand why she feels like that. But It feels like she is not trying to understand me about why i acted like this and why was it important to me. And every time no matter how huge or how small the problem can be. Example: “talking about how was your day and [Me] pausing her speech in the middle to talk about how was my day” because I was just super excited to tell her what I was doing and later I admitted that It was rude of me to cut her in the middle of her speech. But it the end I feel like a miserable piece of crap who is just a awful boyfriend and every time I promise to be better. But later we are having even more arguments and every time ends the same and all I can do is cry, feel sad, not whole and feel confused about if I am always wrong. But I still love her, but i just do not know how to approach what to say. I always tell myself “just tell her how you are feeling” but it not always feels like a good idea.
I think I should treasure honesty between her and I. But it’s all difficult and complicated twisted.
Hopefully after writing this I might feel good, because now I feel horrified to continue my argument with her in a few hours which took us a whole night it kind felt like it has finally ended but when I woke up.
I just still felt empty.
Perhaps you are over thinking things and a little stressed as it is a long-distance relationship and you want it to be perfect. You should never feel empty when in a relationship. It has to be a 2-way street and you will have good days and bad days and no matter what you do or she does its all about mutual respect at the end of the day. Take the time to listen to her and then ask how do you feel about the way you interact and are you having fun? A relationship needs to be fun and yes it needs to be built on trust. Live Love Laugh and most of all don’t beat yourself up over every little nuance. Talk to her and be truthful and build a relationship on good communication – Good communication is where it all starts.